Jury of One's AMERICAN JUSTICE BASEBALL 101
Await Final Aria....
Americans often display a profound lack of knowledge about their own justice system and the basic rules that govern this lethal judicial "game." They know far more about football, hockey and baseball than they do about courtrooms -- in which they are sometimes even asked to serve as the Court's highly valued scorekeepers!
Now, having once observed this courtroom spectacle from the box seats, I think I can straighten all of this out - - with a baseball analogy.
American Justice Baseball is a life-threatening nine-inning combination of Alice in Wonderland, the Constitutional Convention, Andy Griffith Football, the Sci-Fi channel and Thunderdome.
The rules and players change with each inning, and change again between the first and second halves. This makes the game hard for players to play, and difficult for spectators to understand.
Based on their ignorance of the rules, many folks leave the arena after the third inning, claiming their favorite team has won, when a full six innings have yet to be played! Internet flame wars continually erupt over the misunderstanding of this basic issue.
However, it is recommended that one learn the rules of play before getting into fist fights. So here's brief wrap-up.
Now, having once observed this courtroom spectacle from the box seats, I think I can straighten all of this out - - with a baseball analogy.
American Justice Baseball is a life-threatening nine-inning combination of Alice in Wonderland, the Constitutional Convention, Andy Griffith Football, the Sci-Fi channel and Thunderdome.
The rules and players change with each inning, and change again between the first and second halves. This makes the game hard for players to play, and difficult for spectators to understand.
Based on their ignorance of the rules, many folks leave the arena after the third inning, claiming their favorite team has won, when a full six innings have yet to be played! Internet flame wars continually erupt over the misunderstanding of this basic issue.
However, it is recommended that one learn the rules of play before getting into fist fights. So here's brief wrap-up.
First Half
1. Only one major game is played per year at an arena near you.
2. No national anthem is played. The game usually begins with police cars, with colored lights flashing, converging on someone's house.
3. Pitcher Kopze leads off for State's team, selecting John Q. Citizen as his opponent. Johns' name gets changed to A.Q. Zed for purposes of the game. A.Q. Zed owns no bat or team at the outset but acquires them as the game progresses (if he can afford it).
Rules for innings 1 and 2. Unlike regular baseball where one pitcher faces a series of batters, the Justice game requires one batter to face multiple pitchers. (They're all called Kopze.) Team Kopze can have as many players on the field as they want, in any positions. Since Zed has no batters, most Kopze avoid the field positions and choose to be pitchers. They will throw pointed questions.
First inning: A.Q. Zed must stay in the batter's box no matter what is thrown at him or for how long. The pitchers work in shifts. Team Kopze hurls threats at him along with blank confession forms, search warrants, loaded questions, the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and polygraph tests.
The first inning suddenly ends when Zed realizes he needs a bat. He hollers for the batboy, Carmen Miranda, and finally gets one. But the inning is over; he is called out on strikes. He never made it to first base.
A.Q. Zed is led off the field to the dugout where he remains handcuffed to the bench for the remainder of the game.
Zed now receives a bat and one or more batters for his team. (Expertise varies.) Zed hands off the bat to his newly designated hitter/ pitcher, DeFence, who begins warming up.
Team Kopze leaves the field but not without a parting shot at both: "We'll be baaack!" Team Kopze will return as batters in the 3rd and 7th innings.
The score is now 2-0 with Kopze scoring 1 point for searches and 1 point for getting the poor sucker in here in the first place.
Second inning: Team Nooze (about 200 people) spill from vans onto the field to find rights-handed hitter DeFence already in the batter's box.
DeFence knocks the dirt from his shoes, spits on the ground and swings the bat. The Umpire says, "Best not let me catch you tryin' to use that thing here," then leaves. There are no rules for this inning.
Team Nooze pitchers crowd the mound (multiple pitcher rule applies here also). They set up light poles, video cams, live feeds, and position smart-looking babes with hand mikes. Someone says, "Okay - 3 - 2 - 1" and points.
The first wave of pitchers from Team Nooze hurls the standard epithets and DeFence handles them easily. But he pops a fly into left field where it is picked off by Court TV. One out.
The second Nooze wave slings mud and hurls pitches below the belt. DeFence takes a base on balls. But he has to return to the box, having no cleanup batter. Three spitballs, three strikes, and he's out.
Third Nooze hurls more nasty epithets and a couple of curve balls. DeFence can't get a handle on the spin and goes down swinging to retire the side.
Time is called. A limo brings yet another umpire to the field while pitcher Deay warms up in the bullpen. Team Nooze leaves the field, having scored two runs against Zed. Score is now 4 - 0.
Third inning: Umpire Muny takes his position behind the plate. The spectators all rise.
Pitcher Deay trots out his stable of new batters, to whom he will pitch. Since DeFence has no batters of his own, he also gets a shot at pitching to these guys. In this inning, DeFence can only pitch. He may score points with the Nooze fans, but not with the Umpire.
State quickly scores three runs to Zed's zero, since his side had no "ups." Umpire Muny says, "That's enough" and adjourns the crowd. The Baseball Commission now names a new Umpire for the rest of the game.
Aftermath. All the spectators get sent away at the end of the third inning. Because of the quick, one-sided innings, State always leads 7-0 at the end of the third and this outcome always confuses the spectators. A great many mistakenly believe the game is over -- that State has won with a score of 7-0.
When others suggest that they did not win, that they have misunderstood the rules, that the rest of the game is yet to come and the final part has to be ruled upon by the official scorekeepers, State fans get very cross. They sincerely believe that State has already won, fair and square.
2. No national anthem is played. The game usually begins with police cars, with colored lights flashing, converging on someone's house.
3. Pitcher Kopze leads off for State's team, selecting John Q. Citizen as his opponent. Johns' name gets changed to A.Q. Zed for purposes of the game. A.Q. Zed owns no bat or team at the outset but acquires them as the game progresses (if he can afford it).
Rules for innings 1 and 2. Unlike regular baseball where one pitcher faces a series of batters, the Justice game requires one batter to face multiple pitchers. (They're all called Kopze.) Team Kopze can have as many players on the field as they want, in any positions. Since Zed has no batters, most Kopze avoid the field positions and choose to be pitchers. They will throw pointed questions.
First inning: A.Q. Zed must stay in the batter's box no matter what is thrown at him or for how long. The pitchers work in shifts. Team Kopze hurls threats at him along with blank confession forms, search warrants, loaded questions, the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and polygraph tests.
The first inning suddenly ends when Zed realizes he needs a bat. He hollers for the batboy, Carmen Miranda, and finally gets one. But the inning is over; he is called out on strikes. He never made it to first base.
A.Q. Zed is led off the field to the dugout where he remains handcuffed to the bench for the remainder of the game.
Zed now receives a bat and one or more batters for his team. (Expertise varies.) Zed hands off the bat to his newly designated hitter/ pitcher, DeFence, who begins warming up.
Team Kopze leaves the field but not without a parting shot at both: "We'll be baaack!" Team Kopze will return as batters in the 3rd and 7th innings.
The score is now 2-0 with Kopze scoring 1 point for searches and 1 point for getting the poor sucker in here in the first place.
Second inning: Team Nooze (about 200 people) spill from vans onto the field to find rights-handed hitter DeFence already in the batter's box.
DeFence knocks the dirt from his shoes, spits on the ground and swings the bat. The Umpire says, "Best not let me catch you tryin' to use that thing here," then leaves. There are no rules for this inning.
Team Nooze pitchers crowd the mound (multiple pitcher rule applies here also). They set up light poles, video cams, live feeds, and position smart-looking babes with hand mikes. Someone says, "Okay - 3 - 2 - 1" and points.
The first wave of pitchers from Team Nooze hurls the standard epithets and DeFence handles them easily. But he pops a fly into left field where it is picked off by Court TV. One out.
The second Nooze wave slings mud and hurls pitches below the belt. DeFence takes a base on balls. But he has to return to the box, having no cleanup batter. Three spitballs, three strikes, and he's out.
Third Nooze hurls more nasty epithets and a couple of curve balls. DeFence can't get a handle on the spin and goes down swinging to retire the side.
Time is called. A limo brings yet another umpire to the field while pitcher Deay warms up in the bullpen. Team Nooze leaves the field, having scored two runs against Zed. Score is now 4 - 0.
Third inning: Umpire Muny takes his position behind the plate. The spectators all rise.
Pitcher Deay trots out his stable of new batters, to whom he will pitch. Since DeFence has no batters of his own, he also gets a shot at pitching to these guys. In this inning, DeFence can only pitch. He may score points with the Nooze fans, but not with the Umpire.
State quickly scores three runs to Zed's zero, since his side had no "ups." Umpire Muny says, "That's enough" and adjourns the crowd. The Baseball Commission now names a new Umpire for the rest of the game.
Aftermath. All the spectators get sent away at the end of the third inning. Because of the quick, one-sided innings, State always leads 7-0 at the end of the third and this outcome always confuses the spectators. A great many mistakenly believe the game is over -- that State has won with a score of 7-0.
When others suggest that they did not win, that they have misunderstood the rules, that the rest of the game is yet to come and the final part has to be ruled upon by the official scorekeepers, State fans get very cross. They sincerely believe that State has already won, fair and square.
Second Half
A few months later, a kind of secret half-time show begins, with two rounds. (Sometimes spies from Team Nooze reveal the "secrets" from this phase.)
4th inning: The new Umpire Yeronner, along with pitchers Deay and DeFence, all argue with each other. Using the Juris Baseball rulebook, they hammer out rules for the remainder of the game and decide which players qualify for the final innings.
5th inning: Under supervision of Yeronner, pitchers Deay and DeFence examine selected spectators, trying to place their preferred candidates in the Scorers' box seats. Arguments ensue with markers moved around on little diagrams -- a game within a game.
When the final Box Seat candidates are found, Umpire Yeronner gives away his authority as official Scorekeeper to them. He will be too busy umpiring the rest of the game. And if Yeronner makes serious mistakes, the whole game will have to be played over at another time.
This replay rule does not apply to the Box Seats because they have nothing to do but observe and scorekeep. Their decision is final. However, the game will be replayed if they cannot agree on the final score.
Spectators and backup Team Nooze are now called back into the stadium for the second half.
The 6th inning is mostly boring speeches so I won't go into that here. But this part does take a lot of balls because pitchers Deay and DeFence are lobbing directly at the new people in the Box Seats.
Deay pitches the 7th inning to his own team of batters. Pitcher DeFence is allowed to pitch to them also, and may strike out a few. Then Deay pitches again to the same people, trying to get the score back up in case he's lost any points.
DeFence pitches the 8th inning to his own batters in the manner described above.
A.Q. Zed himself might appear in the 8th, but this could be dangerous. Deay may be angry at this point and try to hit him with the ball. Zed therefore appears in catcher's protective gear with a large number 5 printed on the front.
Top of the 9th. All the spectators get sent home again. Box Seat scorekeepers adjourn to a secret room to determine who won the game. They start to collect all the game balls thrown into the box seats. They begin throwing them at each other. A long wait ensues...
When the score is decided, everybody comes back to the arena to hear the fate of A.Q. Zed (whom nearly everyone has forgotten about by this time).
If Zed's team loses, Zed gets executed or sentenced to life in prison.
If Zed wins, he will declare bankruptcy, lose custody of his children, change his name and move to South America.
Bottom of the 9th. The final score is announced, followed by gasping, weeping, cheering and the sound of much hammering by Umpire Yeronner.
The sound of Thor's hammer wakes up the Fat Lady. She rises, straightens the horns on her helmet and sings an aria from the Flight of the Valkyries to drown out the clamor. Sports fans exit the stadium and Team Nooze runs for their phones.
4th inning: The new Umpire Yeronner, along with pitchers Deay and DeFence, all argue with each other. Using the Juris Baseball rulebook, they hammer out rules for the remainder of the game and decide which players qualify for the final innings.
5th inning: Under supervision of Yeronner, pitchers Deay and DeFence examine selected spectators, trying to place their preferred candidates in the Scorers' box seats. Arguments ensue with markers moved around on little diagrams -- a game within a game.
When the final Box Seat candidates are found, Umpire Yeronner gives away his authority as official Scorekeeper to them. He will be too busy umpiring the rest of the game. And if Yeronner makes serious mistakes, the whole game will have to be played over at another time.
This replay rule does not apply to the Box Seats because they have nothing to do but observe and scorekeep. Their decision is final. However, the game will be replayed if they cannot agree on the final score.
Spectators and backup Team Nooze are now called back into the stadium for the second half.
The 6th inning is mostly boring speeches so I won't go into that here. But this part does take a lot of balls because pitchers Deay and DeFence are lobbing directly at the new people in the Box Seats.
Deay pitches the 7th inning to his own team of batters. Pitcher DeFence is allowed to pitch to them also, and may strike out a few. Then Deay pitches again to the same people, trying to get the score back up in case he's lost any points.
DeFence pitches the 8th inning to his own batters in the manner described above.
A.Q. Zed himself might appear in the 8th, but this could be dangerous. Deay may be angry at this point and try to hit him with the ball. Zed therefore appears in catcher's protective gear with a large number 5 printed on the front.
Top of the 9th. All the spectators get sent home again. Box Seat scorekeepers adjourn to a secret room to determine who won the game. They start to collect all the game balls thrown into the box seats. They begin throwing them at each other. A long wait ensues...
When the score is decided, everybody comes back to the arena to hear the fate of A.Q. Zed (whom nearly everyone has forgotten about by this time).
If Zed's team loses, Zed gets executed or sentenced to life in prison.
If Zed wins, he will declare bankruptcy, lose custody of his children, change his name and move to South America.
Bottom of the 9th. The final score is announced, followed by gasping, weeping, cheering and the sound of much hammering by Umpire Yeronner.
The sound of Thor's hammer wakes up the Fat Lady. She rises, straightens the horns on her helmet and sings an aria from the Flight of the Valkyries to drown out the clamor. Sports fans exit the stadium and Team Nooze runs for their phones.
Author's note: What is it with baseball and the courtrooom? I did not know at the time of writing the original that (1) Judge Mudd would recommend Padres baseball as a method for jurors' "self-policing." (2) Judge Mudd was also known as the man who dared to trifle with California's "three strikes" law. After getting a "bloody nose" from an appeals court, his decision (to strike down some strikes) was upheld by the Supreme Court. (3) I also did not know at the time that Prosecutor Jeff Dusek had been a minor league pitcher before entering the field of law. (4) February 2012: I have recently learned that one of my favorite authors, John Grisham, was also a baseball player before entering law. VIDEO: Grisham speaks at Innocence Project.
***** Originally published 4/17/2002. Edited and re-published 2012-2013. Copyright 2002, 2012, 2013 Kayle Brooks
[email protected]****
***** Originally published 4/17/2002. Edited and re-published 2012-2013. Copyright 2002, 2012, 2013 Kayle Brooks
[email protected]****
EPILOGUE
There is no joy in Muddville; The insects lost their clout. The pornographic tapes came in, And struck the buggers out. -- Anon. |